My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
