i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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