You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize