Where is the hickey?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
