Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
