I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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