I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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