if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
