beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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