Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
