Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
