she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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