if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
