I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize