The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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