I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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