i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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