someone owes me an orgasm
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
