Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
