I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
