theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
