I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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