I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
