No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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