I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's never too late to be topless.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize