she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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