quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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