i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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