just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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