1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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