I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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