Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
