sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
