dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
