Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
