I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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