cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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