Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
