Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
