He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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