im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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