And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
