dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
