what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
