Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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