I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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