Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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