It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
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