How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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