2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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