capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize