So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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