I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're a waste of cheezeits
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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