You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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