just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
