so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
