I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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