Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
