I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Alive.
So much puke
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
