the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
