but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
