Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize