it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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