I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
