Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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