Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
