Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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