You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
