My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
