So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
