end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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