my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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