Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
