just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
