I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
