it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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