First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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